


Our Bodies, Ourselves

by Tamoline



Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 17:59:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16142528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamoline/pseuds/Tamoline
Summary: If there was one bad thing about being cured from near constant pain, it was this - her body had apparently decided to start misbehaving in the most ridiculous of ways. It *wanted* things now, ached for them.





	Our Bodies, Ourselves

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kithri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kithri/gifts).



“They say the first week away is the worst, but I tell you it still seems like an age until Chrissy will be back with us again.”

If Ava glared any harder at the guard droning on about her inconsequential home life, she was fairly sure that she’d gather herself together enough to appear in the security room.

Which would be bad. So she shouldn’t do that.

Honestly, that was the problem with normal people. Even most of her former coworkers at SHIELD, way back when. No sense of priorities. Always distracted by trivialities.

Beep-beep-beep went an alarm, a light flashing next to the monitor surveying the microelectronics lab. Ava’s stomach lurched.

She’d turned off the laser alarms to the lab so Ava could get in. She squeezed her eyes shut for a second, going over her instructions, then glanced at the control panel again, and relaxed. Yes, she had.

“What’s wrong?” guard the first asked guard the second who was flicking through different views of the lab, finger of her other hand hovering over a button.

“It looks like the sensors are picking up a fire in the microelectronics lab?” The guard relaxed, and sat back in her chair. “But don’t worry - there’s no one in there. The argon suppression system should take care of it.”

Oh. Shit. Ava’s stomach dropped once again. Small size wouldn’t help if Hope couldn’t breathe. Maybe she would heed the alarm. Maybe her suit would save her. Maybe she was already out of there. But Ava wouldn’t - couldn’t - risk that.

And there was no subtle way to press the button to cancel the argon extinguishers without the guards noticing.

Oh well.

She gathered herself and bounced guard the first’s head off the button, then spun guard the second around to punch her in the gut. Whilst she was wheezing, Ava grabbed the handcuffs off her belt, and used them to manacle guard the first’s hands behind her back whilst she was still shaking her head dazedly, then repeating the process on guard the second with guard the first’s manacles.

“So sorry to do this, ladies,” she said. “But places to be, things to steal. You know how it is.”

Technically, she hadn’t been asked to steal hard drives from the facility’s servers. But it was simple to do on the way out - even if the general alarms did start blaring before she was quite out of there - and people in her experience did tend to appreciate an obvious explanation for why things happened. Which might, for instance, stop them examining the electronics that Hope had hopefully tampered with before the big demonstration tomorrow.

Besides, who knew what goodies these drives might contain?

“What the hell did you set off all those alarms for?” Hope snarled as Ava phased into the car, not even waiting for her to buckle in before zooming off and shrinking, avoiding the alerted guard post at the entrance by dint of zooming under their eye level. “Now they’re going to know we were here.”

“They’re going to know *I* was there,” Ava retorted, unable to resist leaning towards her aggressively as if drawn to her by a magnet even as she strapped herself in. “And they’re going to think that I was after these,” she indicated the stack of hard drives. “Which might also give us a clue about where they got hold of ‘Hank Pym’s oh-so-special technology that only he is allowed to have’.”

Hope slammed the brakes on, parking safely under a car outside the grounds of the facility, turning to glare at Ava, and Ava couldn’t quite seem to catch her breath, her mouth dry and… other parts flushed.

Hope with dark eyed, cheeks flushed with lips that almost popped and an intense look on her apparently *did* things to Ava’s body.

If there was one bad thing about being cured from near constant pain, it was this - her body had apparently decided to start misbehaving in the most ridiculous of ways. It *wanted* things now, ached for them. 

Things that were definitely not going to ever happen.

“-don’t know why you’re even here,” Hope said, then paused for a breath. Ava blinked, aware that she’d missed whole chunks of what Hope had just ranted at her.

See? Ridiculous. She’d never had this problem before. Not that she’d swap circumstances, but her body felt alien and wrong in ways she just hadn’t anticipated, her mind liable to wander at the slightest excuse when she didn’t have something serious to focus on.

Not that she was going to answer Hope, not when the only real answer was because Hope had asked her to. Sure, she felt some measure of *grudging* obligation to Hank for his part in helping Janet relieve her symptoms. But that didn’t really go as far as breaking into government contractors to help sabotage technology, no matter how unfit Hank thought they were to have it.

“I wouldn’t have had to set off any alarms if you hadn’t set off one yourself in the lab, and almost got it flooded with argon,” she snapped.

“I’d have been fine. Suit, remember?” Hope said, patting the body of the suit for emphasis and rolling her eyes.

“And if I’d known that, for sure, then maybe I wouldn’t have hit that button.” Ava looked away, unable to bear the sun of Hope’s magnificence any longer.

Completely, completely ridiculous.

“You were worried about me,” Hope said, an odd note in her voice.

Ava risked a glance to see annoyance mixed with… something softer. But she couldn’t even start to think about that, so she shrugged instead. “Your parents are still treating me. I doubt I’d get a warm welcome if I went back without you.” Her stomach cramped again at the thought. And *this* was why she had always worked alone.

Worrying about other people sucked.

“That’s all it was, huh?” Hope said sardonically, starting the car up again. Another glance showed her expression was now mostly just amused.

“So, how did you mess up enough to set off a fire alarm?” Ava asked, partly to change the subject, partly to get a rise out of Hope..

“Hey!”

She was not disappointed.

Hank looked disapprovingly at them when they got back to the lab and Ava handed them the drives. “I thought the plan was to get in and out without being noticed,” he said, then focussed his gaze on Ava. “I would say that I’m surprised by a lack of professionalism in a former SHIELD operative, but, well…”

“Quiet, dear,” Janet said placidly, effectively silencing Hank by touching him on the hand. “The girls accomplished the mission and got back here intact. You are both fine?”

Hope rolled her eyes. “Of course, mom,” she said, receiving a hug for her troubles.

“And you, Ava?” Janet asked after a moment and Ava hadn’t answered.

Ava jumped a little. Janet had said both, but Ava wasn’t really used to anyone apart from Bill caring at all about her. It just didn’t feel right. “Yeah, sure. Why wouldn’t I be?” she said and got a hug of her own.

Which was its own kind of weirdness. Even with Bill, physical contact had always been at a premium - up until recently, it had always taken effort, taken its own measure of pain - but Janet seemed to want to touch almost everyone at every opportunity. Ava couldn’t help but be charmed a little, despite how disconcerting it was.

Which didn’t stop Hope smirking at whatever Ava’s face was. Asshole.

“Hey,” Hope said as she caught up with Ava as she was finally slouching away. “Want to get a drink?”

Ava looked at Hope’s face, trying to figure out if this was some kind of trap. Which may have been a mistake. “Sure,” she said without actually meaning to. 

Ridiculous, ridiculous body.

It wasn’t as though Ava was a complete stranger to alcohol - sometimes, for good reason, she’d just not wanted to think for a while - but she’d never exactly been a social drinker. Well, she had gone out with co-workers from SHIELD a few times, mainly because it’d made her feel almost normal for once. And maybe a little bit because Janice from the Media Analysis group had been going too. Not that she’d ever seriously thought that could be anything, but just sometimes it had been nice to be around her. And, well, she had smiled at her over Ethan’s shoulder as he’d asked her, made her a bit more reckless than she’d otherwise have been.

But that first night hadn’t been too bad, even if Ethan had insisted on getting a bit closer than she was precisely comfortable with. It’d been enough to be around Janice as she let her hair down a little, been a little less precise than her usual immaculate demeanor. Sure, she’d had to been a firm eye on her alcohol consumption, but there’d been enough people that she could just remain quiet most of the time, only chipping in when she’d had something to say.

It had happened a few more times, enduring Ethan’s attentions each time as part of the price of entrance - not that he ever got too pushy, but it was always there, more of an annoyance than anything - until they’d asked her the evening after a bad mission, a kill mission, and she just hadn’t been in the mood for monitoring her drinks, not in the mood for restraint at all, really.

It had gone… poorly.

She’d been told that if she didn’t want to be kicked out of SHIELD, she couldn’t have any more such lapses. And that particular group of co-workers didn’t want to have anything to do with her after that, anyway. So it hadn’t been a problem - just one more wall between her and everyone else at SHIELD - and when she’d been in the mood, she’d just gotten drunk in her room by herself.

But here there was no one else, just Hope and herself, and her body was… buzzing with things that Ava just wasn’t used to, and had no idea how alcohol would react to. And that was before figuring out what she was going to talk about. She hadn’t really thought about that on the way over, just coasting on her body’s reaction to the thought of spending an evening with Hope, mixed with a certain amount of panic about the same. Now the fear was definitely starting to dominate, and she began semi-seriously looking at exit strategies from the bar.

“So…” Hope said a little awkwardly - probably sensing the waves of it coming off Ava, “What would you like to drink?”

Um. Her favoured strategy when in the mood to drink - whatever was cheap that would get her drunk the fastest - probably wasn’t the best response here. For one thing, the thought of what her body might do if she was impaired… yeah, no, not going to happen. “Surprise me,” was what she eventually decided upon.

Hope quirked her lips, then opened her mouth as if she was about to say something, but then just shook her head and headed off to the bar. She returned with two violently coloured drinks, one of which she placed in front of Ava.

Ava looked at it suspiciously, then took a careful sip. It tasted fruity and not intensely alcoholic, but…

“You don’t have to worry,” Hope said, offering her a smile. “I’m not planning on getting you drunk and having my way with you.”

“Uh…” Ava stammered, blushing, her body immediately registering that it would not be opposed to such a plan.

“I didn’t mean that the way it came out,” Hope said, flushing herself. “It’s just… you’ve had such an interesting life. There have got to be some fun missions you can tell me about, especially now that the basic details are out on the net anyway.”

And suddenly the good, well-founded reasons why Ava had disliked Hope when researching her as a target reared their head again. “Working for SHIELD wasn’t *fun*,” she said, glaring at her. “I wasn’t there because I wanted to make the world a better place, or whatever other shit the people around me deluded themselves about why they were there. I was there because they lied to a child, and said that if she did all these horrible things, they’d make her stop hurting. Would you like me to tell you about the time my infiltration instructor said that if I couldn’t do better, they’d turn me out in the street? Or what about the time I made my first kill when I was seventeen? Maybe that’s the kind of *adventure* you want to hear about.” She snapped her mouth shut. It was perilously easy to talk to Hope. Even, maybe especially, when it was things she never talked about to anyone else.

Hope looked sick. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t think. Father never has a good word to say about SHIELD, but... “

Years of Bill’s talk about *exactly* what Hank was like almost forced themselves out of Ava’s mouth, but she somehow restrained herself. Even if Hope had grown up with a privileged life of wealth, the daughter of a respected scientist, wanting for nothing, even with a living parent…

No. Ava didn’t want to think about this again. She didn’t. And Hank was helping her these days, with the help of Bill and Janet and…

And she did like Hope, quite outside her body’s absurd notions.  
“I can’t imagine that the SHIELD he was a member of was the part that did that to me,” she managed to say. “After all, everyone knows that there were at least two SHIELDs.” She wasn’t nearly as sure about that as she tried to project to Hope. But then again, what did she know? It wasn’t as though she was a sufficiently important cog to get caught up in that mess - no one had ever bothered to tell her anything.

“Do you want to talk about it or…?” Hope asked hesitantly.

Ava twisted her lips. It didn’t feel like a pleasant expression, but Hope didn’t back away. Which was something, she guessed. “I don’t think I’m nearly drunk enough for that. Why don’t you…” she waved a hand in the air, “tell me about some of your rich girl shenanigans.”

Hope immediately got a pinched look on her face. “Like my exile to boarding school, full of other rich girls whose parents didn’t want them cluttering their lifestyles? Or what about the time I found the guy I’d slept with had sold pictures to a celebrity rag? Or figured out that the girl who was flirting with me just wanted me to invest in her start up? Or...”

Ava stopped her by reaching forward and touching her on the arm. “I get it. Life wasn’t exactly all roses for you either.” She tried to ignore the way her fingertips tingled.

Hope looked embarrassed, but didn’t move away. “I know it’s nothing compared to what you’ve been through, but…” she shrugged. “I don’t know. It was stupid.” She flashed Ava a smile. “I haven’t even had that much to drink yet, so I can’t even fall back on that as an excuse. So what do you actually like to do?”

It was humiliating how blank her mind went at that question. “I didn’t exactly have enough energy to worry about doing anything for *fun* the last few years. When I had room and board courtesy of SHIELD, sometimes on my good days when I wasn’t doing anything else, I’d curl up with something unrealistic like a romance book, and pretend that was something that could happen to me. Sometimes I’d hang out with other trainees or agents. Otherwise, especially if it wasn’t such a good day, I’d curl up on a couch on my room, maybe have something mindless on in the background. I didn’t have to hold myself together for that, after all.”

“But you have a lot more good days now?” Hope asked, her eyes gazing seriously at her, sipping her drink whilst she waited for an answer.

Ava shrugged. “Every day is a good day these days.” She couldn’t help smiling, the attention Hope was paying her made her feel like she was bathing in sunlight.

Stupid body.

“So, we’ve got to discover what you do like doing,” Hope said, nodding as if she had accepted another mission. 

Ava shook her head. “You’re ridiculous.” But she couldn’t help broadening her smile. “Okay, fine.”

Hope smirked back. “It’s decided, then.”

“Feeling better?” Janet asked during their quantum energy top up session the next morning. 

Her hands were… not quite warm on Ava’s back, but calming, solid in a way that nothing else had been for as long as Ava could remember.

Hank complained that the literal laying on hands wasn’t necessary, that they could devise a technological method of applying the quantum energy, but Hank complained about a lot of things.

Not that it didn’t feel wrong, trusting someone other than Bill with her literal back… but not as wrong as it could have done. There was that at least.

She nodded, feeling accumulated pain of the quantum shredding on her body ease as Janet flooded her body with the energy it needed to survive.

“So, you and Hope have been spending a lot of time together recently,” Janet nodded and suddenly any ease Ava might have been feeling disappeared.

“There have just been a few matters she’s asked me to help with,” she said cautiously, hoping desperately that Janet couldn’t sense anything off her apart from her pain on occasion.

Who knew how she might react if she realised how Ava’s out of control body had been reacting to her daughter?

But Janet just hummed in acknowledgement and continued to release energy into Ava’s body.

But Ava spent the rest of the session waiting for the other shoe to drop, only relaxing when it was over.

“I’m still not sure why I’m here,” Scott complained later that afternoon.

Hope glared at him and elbowed him none too gently in the ribs. “We *discussed* this,” she said firmly. We in this case most definitely not including Ava. “You’re… here to provide an alternative point of view.”

Not that she exactly minded spending time with Scott. And with him here, she didn’t have to worry about the pointless futility that was small talk as much.

None of which explained why it felt so... intrusive having him here.

“That’s alright, I’m not sure why *I’m* here,” Ava said. “I mean, I’m sure I could have just given you my measurements if you felt the need to get clothes to play dress up with me.” She smirked a little, just to try and rile Hope up.

Hope reacted satisfactorily, transferring her glare to Ava. “Now you’re just being difficult. How’re you supposed to figure out what you like if you’re not even here?”

“Oh, this is for my benefit now?” She turned the smirk up a notch. “I thought you were just making me look good for whatever ‘fun’ you had planned later.”

Scott choked and Hope flushed, then looked uncertain. “You don’t mind, do you? We could just try and grab something and go.”

Ava decided to let her off the hook. “I haven’t exactly had to worry about what I’m going to wear for the last decade or two - do I wear my ghost suit, or do I wear my ghost suit - so it isn’t as though seeing if I actually have a style of my own is a bad idea. Maybe I’ll even like clothes shopping.”

Hope looked her up and down in a way that made her body tingle in a ridiculous way. “I think we can find something that will suit you.”

Scott snorted quietly, then raised his hand. “Hang on a sec, you’ve worn that suit for years now?” He looked repulsed. “Not that it, uh, smells like it otherwise we’d have had a lot easier time telling that you were around, but still. Years?” He held his hands away from his body. “I feel dirtier just for having punched you.”

“Apparently it’s got some kind of self-cleaning SHIELD tech?” Ava shrugged. “Don’t know. What I do know is that you can get used to a lot if the alternative is even more constant agony and the sure and certain knowledge that you’re killing yourself if you don’t wear it.”

“Point,” Scott said. “Well made.”

“So,” Hope said in a tone of forced cheeriness. “To clothes shopping!”

It wasn’t as bad as Ava had feared, going around various shops and trying on clothes there. She started by just picking functional pants and tops - maybe more than a handful of tank tops after Hope, and Scott, seemed to appreciate her in them - but was slowly cozened into trying some skirts and dresses too. Some of the looser fitted skirts weren’t too bad, maybe, though they did leave her legs feeling awfully exposed, but she had drawn the line at dresses.

Dresses were of the devil, she was fairly firmly convinced, especially the longer, more constricting ones.

She had also refused shoes with any kind of heels on them, though, no matter how much Hope said they made her calves pop.

“Well, ladies, I’m really sorry but I have to dash,” Scott said when they were almost at the end of the list of shops Hope had made. “Got a date with Maggie and Paxton to get ready for.”

As soon as he had disappeared, Ava suddenly felt more tense, like everything she did had more meaning, suddenly aware that she was so close to Hope that she could almost feel the heat off her body. Though that was possibly just her imagination. “So,” she said, moving away in a manner that she really hoped passed for casual. “Haven’t we got enough clothes for one day?”

Hope looked at her assessingly in a way that made Ava’s insides malfunction, just a little bit. “There’s just a few more places I’d like to visit.”

“Really?” Ava asked. “There’s actually anything you haven’t tried to get me to wear yet?”

Hope stalked away, making a come hither gesture over one shoulder and Ava… Ava followed, feeling altogether too much like a chump being dictated to by her body.

Hope’s first destination was one of the highest end boutiques in the area, and if Ava was being cruel, she could see why Hope might have waited until Scott had left to visit it. She might like Scott, but his general rumpled demeanour didn’t exactly blend in at this kind of place.

Hope, on the other hand, effortlessly looked like she came here all the time. Which she might well do - see rich executive. The assistant on duty seemed to agree, immediately fluttering over in Hope’s direction, seemingly ignoring Ava’s presence after a single disdainful look.

Not that Ava exactly disagreed with her about the suitability of Ava’s presence in this shop.

“What can I do for you, madame?” she asked Hope.

Hope gestured in Ava’s direction. “I’m looking for some formal dresses for her.”

Ava gave Hope an outraged look. She thought that they had come to an understanding on the topic of the devil’s garb.

The assistant looked Ava up and down with a clinical assessing air, completely ignoring her expression, before turning back to Hope. “Would you be expecting the dresses to be worn after a makeover, or more... au naturel? I’m sure we have clothes that could fit either occasion, though I’m not sure that we have anything for both.”

Apparently Ava was not going to be a part of this conversation. Which suited her just fine. If she wasn’t going to be consulted, she couldn’t be blamed if any clothes purchased languished in the back of her wardrobe, or even mysteriously ‘vanished’, in the way that only a SHIELD-trained assassin could manage.

Hope pursed her lips, and raised her eyebrows at Ava in inquiry. 

Oh, so apparently she *was* going to be asked what she thought after all. Fine, she could play nice.

“Why would I ever wear something like that?” Ava asked, pointing at one particularly frilly abomination. 

Well, nice-ish.

“Let’s go with au naturel,” Hope said, apparently having received the response she wanted.

The assistant hummed to herself, then started collecting dresses seemingly at random.

Ava sidled over to Hope. “I thought we’d agreed that I wouldn’t have to get any… dresses,” she murmured, lip curled, hopefully quietly enough that she wouldn’t be overheard.

“I never promised anything of the sort,” Hope said serenely. “Besides, what if we need to infiltrate a society function.”

“Isn’t that why ‘we’ have you?”

“And I would need a plus one. Which can be you.”

Ava didn’t really have a good response for that. “I was never trained for that,” she muttered, but it wasn’t a refusal and from her smirk, Hope gathered that. “Fine,” she finally said. “You win.”

“My favourite words in the English language,” Hope said, then pointed at a red dress that the assistant was considering. “Oh, that one. Why don’t you try that on?”

Ava felt like throwing her hands up in the air, but whatever. She stalked over and took the dress gingerly in her hands before retreating to a dressing room.

Ugh. Putting this on was stressful - she couldn’t help but be worried that if she tugged too hard, she’d tear something. Sure, Hope was paying for this, but…

Ugh.

She finally managed to slither into it, cheating by using her powers to find *just* the right way to put it on, contorting only a little, and stared at herself in the mirror.

She looked like an alien - the cloth hugging her in ways that she just wasn’t used to. And she wasn’t entirely certain whether all that was intended, or she hadn’t put it quite correctly, or whether the dress just needed some adjustment or…

Ugh. Hope *definitely* owed her for this. She stepped out of the dressing room before she could overthink this any more.

Hope just… looked at her for a moment, wordlessly. Ava felt prickles course over her body - whether embarrassment or something else - as Hope’s eyes roamed up and down her body.

“So?” she snapped, irritated somewhat at the scrutiny, irritated more that she was fairly sure that she was blushing. “Figured out how awful this is already? Can I take this garment off yet?”

Hope jerked and flushed slightly herself. “Yes. You’re good. That’s good. We should definitely put that in the ‘keep’ pile.”

“Really?” Ava complained, but couldn’t help smiling to herself a little. It’s not like her appearance had ever really been one of her priorities, but it wasn’t… awful to know that Hope thought she was capable of thinking she looked good. Or at least saying that.

Maybe she could suffer through this after all.

In the end they got two dresses, the red one and one that was black and shimmery, though both stayed in the shop for some adjustment.

“Happy now?” she asked Hope as they exited.

Hope smirked. “For now. Let’s get you home.”

Looking at all the bags as they lay on her bed, Ava couldn’t quite believe that they were stuffed completely with clothes, that they all belonged to her, that one person would actually need that many clothes. Let alone have any idea where she’d put them all.

She started by hanging the clothing of the devil off the door, and then started sorting the rest into drawers when she could, into piles on the floor when she couldn’t.

Eh, the clothes would survive. Culling of the weak if they couldn’t.

“Do you actually have any food in?” came a call from the direction of the kitchen. “Or a microwave? Pans?” A pause. “Do you even have plates?”

She rolled her eyes, then pushed herself up to trot in Hope’s direction.

“Are these other things that *civilised people* have?” she asks with heavy sarcasm.

In her defense, Hope gave her the most irate look, so cute that Ava could almost ignore the heat that it caused to shoot through her. “Yes!” she said indignantly. “What can you even cook in here?” She made a disgusted face. “Don’t tell me you live on take out.”

Ava shut down, turned on her heel, started walking back to the bedroom, suppressing the anger rising within her. If she said anything now, it’d just come out wrong.

“What?” Hope asked, hurrying after her. “Just because I refuse to let you live like a frat boy…”

Fine. If that was the way Hope wanted it… Ava whirled around to face Hope. “Do you want to know why? Do you want to know how much effort it took to hold a pan or a knife without dropping it? Do you want to know about the time I almost scalded myself? How, ever since SHIELD came crashing down, I haven’t had the energy to even think about trying to learn how to cook on top of all the other shit I’ve had to deal with.”

She stopped, flushing a little before she admitted that, yes, she had survived on takeout she’d swiped from restaurants all over, so to minimise the time she had remain coherent. 

It was really far too easy to speak with Hope.

For a moment, the look in Hope’s eyes made it look as though Ava’s words had sparked something, and Ava wanted... But then the look hardened into determination. “Hey,” she said. “You don’t have to live like that any more.”

For a moment, Ava just felt warmth at Hope’s expression.

For a moment, Ava wanted to lean forward and just touch her so much, it was almost like Hope had her own gravity field.

For a moment, it almost felt like she could be safe with Hope.

For a moment.

“Yeah, well,” Ava said, drawing back, the spell broken. “It’s not like I know how to cook anyway.”

Hope searched her face for a second, then leant back as well, smirking. “Now that’s a problem we can solve.”

“Chop faster, finer,” Hank said from behind her two days later. He snorted. “If this is the kind of knifework SHIELD taught you, it really did go downhill after I left.”

“Not really a knife kind of girl,” Ava muttered, slowing down further in an effort to slice her vegetables more finely. “Never exactly needed them.”

“Downhill all the way,” Hank reiterated.

“Don’t worry about him,” Janet said from beside her, slicing away at her own pile of vegetables. “You’re still doing better than me.”

“Sorry about crashing your cooking lessons,” Ava said, somewhat drily.

She still wasn’t completely sure how Hope had persuaded her that this was a good idea, or so she told herself. She might have found that more convincing if her body wasn’t still humming from when she’d seen Hope earlier.

“No worries,” Janet said sotto voce. “Just between you and me, I’m grateful that I’ve got someone else here to help me taste test what I cook. It all still tastes a little weird to me.”

Ava offered her a quick, awkward smile. What they had each gone through might have been very different, but it also was similar enough that…

It was good to have someone that could understand, a little. Maybe it helped Janet as well.

“How’s dinner coming along?” Hope asked, breezing into the kitchen.

“Slowly,” Hank grouched. “I don’t see why I can’t cook like I have for the past several decades.”

“I think I used to like cooking,” Janet said looking off into the distance, then twitched and looked down at the board in front of her. “And if I didn’t, then this is a good time to learn.”

Hank looked like he was going to say something, then very firmly closed his mouth.

“And Ava here,” Hope said, interrupting the moment, “Just needs lessons on how to be a functional adult.” She wrapped an arm around Ava and squeezed.

Ava just blanked.

She couldn’t…

She couldn’t…

She couldn’t…

She couldn’t think or move or even *breathe* until Hope, thankfully, disengaged and moved away.

Contact like that didn’t mean anything, it wouldn’t mean anything to someone who was normal, who could be touched without effort, without warning.

It probably didn’t mean anything at all, but Ava couldn’t bring herself to look at Hope to make sure, not when everywhere Hope had touched was lit up like fire.

Hank cleared his throat. “And if these lessons are going to continue, everyone who’s not cooking needs to leave the kitchen right now.”

“Sure, dad,” Hope said, sounding slightly quiet. Ava managed to resist snatching a glance at her as she exited the kitchen.

Prep continued in silence for a few minutes. Finally, Janet said quietly, “You know, it’s alright if you don’t like her back. We’re not going to turn you away for that.”

“Thank you,” Ava said, inexplicably choking back tears. It wasn’t as though she’d thought… It wasn’t as though she’d worried… It wasn’t as though she cared about that, but it was as though an invisible weight had been lifted off her shoulders regardless.

She couldn’t even start to deal with the implication that Hope *liked* her though, so she shoved that away to deal with later.

“So,” Janet said impishly. “Do you want to have a go at wrecking the sauce this time?”

Ava found her smile. “Sure. Maybe *I’ll* actually manage to not burn it.”

Janet laughed and, just for a moment, Ava felt alright.

“So, what’s bothering you?” Bill asked after they’d been watching Don’t Tell The Bride for half an hour. Or he had, at least. She’d been letting it wash over her, like old times when it had helped by giving her something to look at when the pain wasn’t too bad.

“Nothing,” she said, staring fixedly at the television.

“Really,” he said sceptically.

“It’s just-” she burst out, then stopped.

Bill paused the tv, the image of the bride paused mid-diatribe about all her hopes for the wedding, and just waited.

“Apparently Hope likes me! I think? Or that’s what Janet implied, anyway.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

She glared at him. “Good? Why would it be good?”

He just looked at her and waited. She really hated it when he did that.

“It’s… I don’t know *how* I feel. It’s not like I haven’t had crushes before, but it’s like my body’s gone berserk now.” She felt the stupid, unwanted tears form in her eyes once again. “Maybe this isn’t anything. Maybe it’s just that she’s the first vaguely attractive girl that I’ve gotten close to since Janet healed me and… and…” She couldn’t continue, just covered her face with her hands as more traitorous water leaked down in.

There was a creak from Bill’s chair, and then she felt his arms wrapping around her. “Have you thought about talking to Hope about this?”

It was ridiculous, but just the thought of opening herself up, making herself vulnerable like that, gripped her with terror. “No,” she said, shaking her head. “I need to get this sorted out in my own head before I involve anyone else.”

There was absolutely no way she was going to let Hope see her like this.

He sighed. “Fair enough. Shall we see how Hannah deals with how her fiance has spent almost all the money for the wedding on a trip to Vegas?”

She waved one hand, not looking up. “Sure,” she said. Let the trivialities commence.

Later that night, in bed, she stared blankly up at the darkness of her ceiling. How *would* she figure out what she actually felt, as opposed to what her body had apparently decided for herself. Picturing Hope, standing there, looking challenging at her, she couldn’t help smiling a little. Okay, so maybe she did actually like her as well. She couldn’t exactly deny that Hope was her type.

Then her traitorous mind flashed to what Hope might look without her clothing and… yes, okay, she was well aware of what her opinions her body had on the matter. The heat around her clit almost begged for some more contact.

But no. She definitely wasn’t going there. She bit her lip and concentrated on the pain… only for her body to ask what if it was Hope doing the biting.

Really, really not helpful.

She thrust herself out of bed and almost ran to have a cold shower. Afterwards, shivering a little as she dried herself off, she looked at herself in the mirror.

Was she making more of the divide between herself and her body than it really warranted? How could she know, when she felt so alienated from all these new feelings and drives?

And, if this was just the way things were from now on, how could she find out?

Huh.

That was a thought. Maybe there *was* something she could do.

The next evening she alternated between staring moodily at the drink in front of her with keeping an eye on the entrance. She finally spotted Hope looking around the club and waved to her, drawing her attention.

She had to admit that it was a little satisfying to see Hope look up and down her, as she realised what Ava was wearing. Not that Hope didn’t look good enough to eat herself. Ava… tried to let the sensations coursing through her body wash over her, not blocking them out but trying not to concentrate on them either.

From the heat in her cheeks, she was fairly sure that she was only partially successful. The dimness of the club should hide that though. She hoped.

“Hey,” Hope said, looking like she was torn between smiling and looking a little cautious. “I can’t believe that I didn’t have to drag you to a place like this. Not to mention actually voluntarily wearing the devil’s garb. Not that I’m complaining.”

“I’m… Maybe I’m trying to take steps to become a functional adult myself,” Ava said, nervous butterflies fluttering in her stomach. “Maybe I thought I should trying asking a girl I liked on a date, see how it went.”

Hope took a step forward, looking like she couldn’t quite believe what she’d heard. “A girl you like?” she asked.

Ava was torn between wanting to lean forwards, maybe even touch her, and just hide her face in her hands. “She can be a bit of a brat, but, yeah, I really kind of like her,” she managed. “Though I’d have to warn her - I’d need to take things a little slow.”

Hope smiled blindingly at her. “I can work with that. How slow were you thinking?”

Ava couldn’t help herself, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to Hope’s. Instantly, everything else outside that contact disappeared, her lips and Hope’s lips were the only things that existed, making her feel shaky and energised at the same time.

And then Hope’s lips parted, her tongue brushing gently against Ava’s lips and Ava sprung away.

Too much, too much, too much.

“Okay, a bit slowly than that,” she said, a little breathlessly.

Hope was flushed and visibly breathing herself. “Okay, sure. Whatever you need.”

“Thanks,” Ava said. “I- thanks.”

Hope looked a little teasingly at her. “I never thought that you of all people would be so shy though.”

Ava looked away, blushing uncomfortably now. “This is my first time, really, for any of this. It’s just-” she gestured frustratedly in the air, not able to find the words.

“Hey, hey,” Hope said penitently. “You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to. Truce?”

“I want to,” Ava said sincerely. “I really do. It just might take a while.”

“That’s fine,” Hope said. “Just take your time. Want to go have a dance?”

Ava relaxed. “Okay,” she said. “I can do that. Just don’t tease me too much if I’m crap.”

“Never,” Hope said.

Ava searched her face sceptically. “Never?”

“Well, maybe only a little.”

Ava shrugged and grinned. “I can live with that,” she said, and took Hope’s hand as she led her out onto the floor.

Maybe this was one of life’s inconsequentialities that she would have scorned when her life was pain, but then again - maybe now this was something she could handle.


End file.
